I've been debating for a long, long time whether to write about this on my blog. It's out there for the world to see and it's hard for me to talk about or deal with, so having it out there, means I might get questions or people telling me I shouldn't talk about it. I won't be talking about what happened on here, I haven't quite gotten to that point in my life however I will make known what I want people to know.
It happened, and every year it comes close, I have a very difficult time with it. I search on a regular basis for something to help. I feel like every once in awhile I get really far, and then I'll have panic attacks, night terrors and flashbacks, and I'm right back there, that night, in that hell, again and again, over and over.
In a statement:
It sucks!
Some of the parts that suck are people that forget to think about things before saying something. I found an amazing site tonight that talked about what friends and family need to know and how to act towards rape survivors. I've gotten all of it over the past 7 years, the "get over it's " the "you should be careful where you're at and who you hang out with's" the "why didn't you do something, say something or scream's". Those don't help me and only compound my guilt that I still feel to this very second. Unfortunately that is what a rape does to you. The self guilt and self evaluation of what you could have done differently always weights in the back of your mind.
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Here's a little piece of writing that I found that might be helpful from the site Healthy Place
www.healthyplace.com :
The following are some tips on "DOs" and "DON'Ts" to help you to help the person you love through the trauma of rape or sexual assault. The responses of those near to a survivor can occasionally make things more difficult for him or her, and that is something nobody wants.
The focus should always be on the survivor - never try to make them do anything they don't feel comfortable with. Also try to remember that you need support too, in order to continue supporting the survivor. Counseling is available for secondary survivors too. This information is taken from a leaflet provided by the Sheffield Rape and Sexual Abuse Counselling Service, UK.
Don't Criticize
Don't criticize a survivor of abuse for being where they were at the time, for not resisting more or screaming, for not talking about it earlier or for anything else. Anybody, anywhere, can be a victim of abuse, regardless of age, gender, looks, dress and so on. Regardless of circumstances "no" means "no," and nobody deserves to be raped.
Myths about women "asking for it" or men being "unable to help themselves" create a burden of guilt on the survivor in the first place, and they may already feel partly responsible. Any criticism of their handling of the situation, either during the attack or afterwards, simply adds to that guilt, and it is important that the blame is placed firmly where it belongs - with the person who committed the assault.
Do Understand
Listen and try to understand why they were unable to prevent it from happening. They may have been frozen by fear, or have been unsuspecting and trusting, or they may have been threatened or physically attacked and may have realistically feared worse would happen if they resisted. You wouldn't expect somebody who has been mugged to have been able to prevent it.
Do Listen to their Reasons
Listen to their reasons if they didn't tell you immediately. They may have been scared of your reaction, they may have felt ashamed or embarrassed to tell you, they may have been trying to protect you from the upset of knowing, they may have chosen to think it through first, or to talk to people less personally involved.
Do Help Distinguish Between "If Only's" and "Guilt"
Try to help them distinguish between wishing it had never happened, in terms of wishing they hadn't been there at that time, or said what they said, and so on, and it being their fault it happened. Everyone has a basic human right to be free from threat, harassment or attack.
Don't Over-Simplify
Try not to over-simplify what has happened by saying it isn't very bad, "never mind", "forget it". Let them say exactly how they feel and allow them to work through it in their own time.
Do Reassure Them That You Are There
Reassure them that you will give them your support, and allow them time to work it through. Make it clear that you will be around to talk to now or in the future, and help them to trust you not to push them into expressing things before they are ready. Ask if they know any other friends they would find it easier to talk to, or if they would like to see a Rape Counselor, and offer to help them organize this if they'd like you to, but remember not to pressure them into anything they don't feel ready for
